Dear “Roxette”

Re: Joyride

I am sorry, Roxette, but I fail to see the connection between the following phrases:

“Hello, you fool, I love you; come on, join the joyride”.

Within seven manic seconds, you greet me warmly, insult me without provocation, and declare your considerable romantic attachment to me; I am then told to hurry, as I am invited to participate in the theft of a motor car, and its subsequent rapid and dangerous handling. I hardly need point out, Per and Marie, that the suggested act is immoral, illegal, and would put lives at risk. Of course, I am unwilling to accept your bizarre invitation, and should warn you that several members of the Police Force are now aware of your intentions.

If, however, you both decide to become stable, law-abiding and coherent members of society, Olive and I would be delighted if you would accompany us in an outing to the Purbeck Hills or the New Forest in our Nissan Micra. The proposed excursion would take place, I suggest, on a Sunday. The Micra is surprisingly spacious; however, we must request that you do not bring any guitars, or animals, as the vehicle’s upholstery may become damaged. Foul language and drunken behaviour will not be tolerated. Please inform us of any dietary preferences, intolerances or allergies before the contents of our “Picnic” are considered.

Olive and I continue to appreciate your catchy but nonsensical anthems, and eagerly await your response to our offer.

Yours sincerely

Wilf Turnbull

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