Dear Tiffany

Re: I Think We're Alone Now

Much as my wife Olive and I enjoy your pop hit, I am slightly confused regarding the lyrical content, and would be grateful if you could help clarify the following points.

Having seen your excellent performance on BBC Television’s “Top of the Pops”, I can confirm that you were certainly not “alone”. There were clearly several teenagers and other young people “bopping” rather listlessly around the stage, in addition to the camera crew and the presenter, who I think was Bruno Brookes. Your hypothesis is therefore false. Indeed, it is surely arguable whether “we” could ever be “alone”, in that we number more than one person. I wonder to whom you are addressing such a theory.

Concerning your claim that you are “running just as fast as we can, holding on to one another’s hand”, I would like to point out that this joint action is extremely difficult. The scenario would necessarily involve identical top speeds, with no loss of velocity due to manual fastening. Indeed, when I suggested an attempt in Fishermans Walk earlier this afternoon, Olive reluctantly agreed; the results were less than successful, and she is now recovering in the other room with a cup of tea and a “Custard Cream”.

On a more positive note, Tiffany, we both admired the knitwear you were so elegantly sporting, and would be overjoyed if you could send us the relevant pattern. I must say that it makes a nice change to see a female “pop star” sensibly attired.

Yours sincerely

Wilf Turnbull

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