Dear Mr Nicholas

Re: Dancing With The Captain

I feel it fair to inform you that you will probably receive a rather unpleasant knock on your door in the near future, given that I have reported you and your fellow nautical revellers' disgraceful shenanigans to both the police force and the Coastguard. I refer of course to the contemptible and hedonistic maritime transgression described in the above-titled hit song.
If I requested our co-ordinates on a moving cruiser, only to be told that “the crew didn't know”, you can be assured that I would create a fracas and insist upon being escorted to its control room from where I would send an S.O.S. telegram to the mainland calling for our urgent rescue, accompanied by flares and any additional attention-attracting device - I would most certainly not greet this potentially calamitous news by  breaking into an impromptu foxtrot!
Leaving to one side for a moment the immeasurable mass gross misconduct of a liner being left unhelmed by way of a full-scale “getting down” session, the most disturbing feature of your account must surely be that there was no defined destination for this voyage and yet still the vessel was set to full speed.  You even appear on Top of the Pops 2 to bask in the detail of this monumental folly; apparently “everyone was cheerin', nobody was steerin'”. Have no lessons been learnt from the Titanic or Jaws, Nicholas? That the Captain “loves to rock and roll” is scant justification to sweep aside any last vestiges of common sense and put so many lives at risk. 
The only saving grace to this entire affair is that you did not choose to travel by air. I am not easily irritated Paul but can assure you that any attempt on your part at bursting into the cockpit of a commercial aircraft in which I am travelling and “jiggin'” with the pilot or his second in command at high altitude, or even for that matter trying to likewise engage the flight attendants during their demonstration of the correct procedure in the event of an emergency landing would earn you a cuff around the ear from this correspondent.
I sincerely hope that once that you have faced whatever punishment is to be meted out by the judicial system in an adult manner, we can be “just good friends” and draw a line under this whole sorry affair. That said, please do not be offended if I see you in the passenger queue next month at Lymington at the start of our journey to see Duncan “Chase Me” Norville on the Isle of Wight, and ask for myself and my good lady Olive to be placed on a later boat.

Yours sincerely,

Wilf Turnbull

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